I have hope

I wanted to share this. I have depression. I have had it for years. I have also had a lot of bad medical advice and diagnoses. Depression is lumped in with mental illness. It is real. It does not mean a person is crazy. Doctors are only human and sometimes they don’t get it correct. Always remember they are not God they are human beings with feelings that put their drawers on just like the rest of us.

I am here to tell you it is okay. It is okay to have mental illness and if anyone looks at you strange, tell them Julia said to “Bite me.” It is okay to have a disorder. It is okay to talk about it and not to be ashamed. Not all people with mental illnesses go around waving guns and shooting people—in actual fact, many people with mental illness just want to destroy themselves. Beware: prescribed medicines also can cause depression to worsen or to be relieved; they can also cause the problem.

Before mental illness I was diagnosed with a chronic physical illness dealing with the auto-immune group. Learn the difference between immunodeficiency and auto-immune.

In 1994—at a junior college, someone over heard me talking to my doctor on the phone. Regardless of the interpretation, within 24 hours I had HIV/Aid—by rumor alone. Someone’s vicious mouth convicted me to at least 90 days of horribly mean ridicule.

Recently in the past two years, I have been convicted again by ignorance. “I am sick because I don’t have enough faith and that is why God will not heal me.” “If you will drop the weight, all your health problems will be cured. Your face is pretty.” “She looks like she had one too many pieces of bacon.” These comments hurt. I had my doctor write out a prescription to where I did not have to pay to eat in a cafeteria unless I wanted to. I spent my money staying in solitude at home, alone. I was even recently told that my presence is not needed.

Unfortunately, I have not recovered. I still get out when I need to or have to. I have to get out and find who needs me. My children are grown and they still need me but not as much.  The stranger on the corner begging needs that bag of food I gave him or her. My mother needs me. My brother needs me. My niece and great nephews need me. There are others I have learned that need me—many friends and many associates.

We are taught to ignore meanness. But, when a person is physically and mentally not well, it is very difficult, because the words reverberate in our minds.

So let me clarify:

I was a lot smaller than when I began to get sick physically. I have an auto-immune disease where my body attacks my thyroid gland and all the tissue around it. The thyroid releases tRNA to other parts of the body. In many cases the tRNA becomes distorted or damaged. This causes my neck to be thick. The chemicals that the thyroid produces affect my female endocrine system which can cause peri-menopause symptoms. It also causes menstrual flow cycles to last as much as thirty days and helps with the formation of non-cancerous uterine tumors. A person can gain weight, then suddenly drop weight, and gain it again. No two people with the disease are alike. It is in the same class as MS or Lupus. Some of us get diabetes others don’t. Some respond to generic medications others don’t.  Some become depressed and others don’t. Some get Rheumatoid Arthritis and others don’t. It takes me ninety-days to drop six pounds that was gained in maybe four days without a diet change. No reason for the weight gain. It is amazing how a little gland in a woman’s neck can affect a lot. Men sometimes get this but very seldom. I only know one man who has this disease. He is fighting his Leukemia as well as his mental illness.

Have you ever heard: “My weight gain is glandular.”

Response: “Back away from the table. You could stand to do without a few meals.”

That response if taken seriously can cause extreme harm to a person with an auto-immune disease. Skipping a meal can make a person (like me) gain weight. At first I could not believe it. It is true. It is not the amount, it is the type and the combination of food we eat. The responder in this case was ignorant and offensive.

I had a mild stroke once. The doctor still thinks I am having TIAs—which I do and do not know what that is. I am just tired of test. I am tired of medicine which makes the depression worse or my blood pressure uncontrollable. I was not a diabetic but insulin resistant. I am a diabetic now. I have stage one kidney disease. I have trouble seeing out of one eye due to diabetic retinopathy. I have cataracts and my insurance company stated “I am too young to have them removed.” I have diabetic neuropathy.

I am due to have surgery on Thursday of next week. Some test result taken a pre-registration did not come back really positive. I have to speak with my doctor and we will decide this morning.

I wanted to share this. We each have a path to walk. What really gets me most of all? At this very moment I can’t get my shoes on. In two years they have gone from an 8 ½ to 10 wide. That is depressing … I try to keep a smile on my face and be confident…but it doesn’t always work that way.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 John 14:27

Keep each other in prayer. God bless you all to keep safely in His arms.