Depression- my short story

Depression – my short story

Where are the forgotten people? Look, they are all around us. Are they forgotten by time, family, or in their own world of identities? We honestly do not know. I am one of them. Sat alone as a child in a family of five, and alone at lunch in school. We never stayed anywhere for too long—two to three years’ top. I wasn’t allowed, as a rule to have sleep overs because we had hidden secrets; but, what were they? Why were we not good enough for anything? I did have one or two as a teenager.

I belonged in high school to the public and not to the private religious schooling for once. Still feeling lonely, I was part of a group. Having what was considered a few friends, I was still alone. I had one date because I had a car. He told me this. I was never allowed to date after that. Loneliness was part of our family upbringing. Why were we not good enough not to be lonely?

We left and moved somewhere else. Missing what little companionship there was, I had to become private again but rebellious. I took some classes in college but didn’t graduate. Ringing deep in my ears from high school, was a guidance counselor telling me I wasn’t smart enough to be anything other than a secretary or homemaker. My parents agreed that my intellectual was far lacking. My compliments existed that my face was beautiful but the body was round. I learned from that lesson, I would never be a debutante nor anyone’s wife.  Grandmothers, Aunts, and Uncles all agreed with my parents.

Becoming rebellious because it was the only thing I was good at.  Nothing done was nothing achieved because I wasn’t good enough. I was alone with one friend. A friend I worked with. I eventually became engaged but he was busy engaging for sex. I lived with a man but found out he was busy being married. I had been single long enough and dated without anyone knowing by my one friend.

Moving back to a place that where belonging was a Monday through Friday joint effort, I found out it had all changed. I saw some friends and came across an old bud. Asking him out for friendship only made me dislike him because he misunderstood my intentions. I met a man to my lustful liking and married him because of no reason other than loneliness.

Two children later and the husband gone by divorce, loneliness reverted into motherhood.  I was the brunt in of a family joke among maternal cousins.

Those children are grown and I fear what will happen tomorrow. I am now looking through the window at what? Emptiness, for I am very lonely.  I have lived a good life of love with children. Taken care of both parents and buried them due to illness. But what now?

I decided to accomplish something. I went back to college, earned a bachelor’s degree and earned a master’s degree. I write. I read. I research. Knowledge is my friend. I have two grandchildren. I am part of an extended family. I am not ready to give up the ghost and these past nine months have been by far the worse yet in loneliness and depression.

Tomorrow (or actually today) is May 3, 2017. Time to get up in the morning. Pray this evening and put my fears to rest. Take my own advice. The future is not ours and it is not here, yet. I blame no one for the thoughts in my mind.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God….” Isaiah 43.2-3

” ...say to those with fearful hearts, ‘be strong, do not fear; God will come, he will come with vengeance; with diving retribution, he will come to save you.” Isaiah 35.4

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14.27

I have to remember to place it all at the foot of the Cross of Jesus Christ (incarnate) and not ever be afraid. I have to wake up and remember there is nothing to fear, there is nothing to fear, and I will have peace in the morning and able to move forward out of this dark depression that has been looming over me.

May God, bless you all.