I enjoy playing internet Scrabble.
I play with a few friends and several strangers. I really enjoy the game. It
keeps me on my toes. For several weeks, strange men have been trying to pick me
up from all over the US and world. It makes me nuts! Drives me insane! This is
a video game. Let’s address this issue from yesterday evening and come up with
a really cute solution.
Here is an example of one of the
pickup lines: “Hey Baby! Now that I have found you, I do hope you are in
excellent health?”
I am not your baby. Let’s get
that perfectly clear nor am I someone’s “babe” as in E.B. White’s pig character
from Charlotte’s Web. A baby denotes
infant. Last time I checked I still have some teeth even though I wear
dentures, don’t wear a diaper (not yet anyway), and do not suck milk products
through a bottle. I have been known to “suck down” a beer or two but that was
over 25 years ago when a case of beer would be like drinking water. Now it is
like drink a beer or two, and I have to tinkle and take a nap for about 6 hours.
Now that I have found you… what?
I didn’t know I was lost to begin with. Sometimes, I am lost in my mind and
haven’t the slightest idea what I am doing, what day it is, or even where the
heck fire I am at. I think that is either age, medication, and or I am just a
plain old fruit cake from the old south. Did he find my name and face in the
yellow pages? Was my mug shot on some men’s room wall? Call Julia for a good
time- 649- babe. What? (OR as my niece says it: "Call 867-5309").
My health. What does my health
have to do with anything? It is no one’s business, unless I make it someone’s business.
Well I am printing it here and now. My health sucks! I smoke, try to eat right,
drink too much tea and coffee. I cook when I feel like. I live alone and
frankly really love it. I could use a little more company now and then like a
grandchild or two, just to corrupt them and teach them bad habits. After all,
it is up to me to make sure that the southern insanity is continued from one
generation on down the line. I mean I taught my children how to be strange and
socially unacceptable.
For an example: I raised my
children with a valuable lesson. “Anything worth doing, is worth doing well.” I
taught them that if they are going to forge my signature and lie about it to
the school, and change the grades on their report cards, then they should learn
how to do it very well not half assed.
My overall health? Is not good
because I have a chronic illness that kicks me in the butt at times. It is true
that I am a recluse. I like it that way. I can’t see worth a flip to drive anymore,
so I don’t like to really get out much. I enjoy my porch and the mosquitoes that
suck my blood and die from it. Mosquitos know better. They take one suck off my
leg and go “Yuck! What type of med’s is this old fat butt on?” Then they simply
fall to the ground dead. Go figure… that red stuff in my veins must be toxic to
such a small flying insect.
My reply to yesterday evening’s
pickup line was: “This is video game that I play. I enjoy playing scrabble. If
you want to talk to someone, talk to your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or
preacher, but do not talk to me.”
So here is my solution to strange
men trying to pick me up on the video game Scrabble.
I could say: “I am really
interested. Is that your real hair or a wig? I only date men with no hair and a
limp noodle. Male bitch tits are a must. I really like saggy old crusty bodies.
It thrills me! AND how much money can I have when you kick your bucket because
I am going to rock the world you have no idea exists! But first, I have to
visit the car wash to wash out the cobwebs that are permanently attached to my
vagina.”
I think that type of reply will ward off anyone looking for a good
time posting obscenities on the internet.
Meanwhile, I am not as caustic as
I sound, and I happen to like crusty old bodies. I have one myself.
God bless each and every one in
their daily lives.
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