Did someone mention party? Oh it is a funeral.

My Daddy passed in 1993 into another world that I really nor anyone else has any concept about. It seemed to be my responsibility to help Mother in planning the funeral. After all isn't that what the only daughter in the family does? It was a hard task, a chore to say the least. I did not have time for grief. Heck fire, I really didn't understand the big deal of what grief was. I just know he wasn't here. My Daddy wasn't here to help me any longer. Maybe that was a good thing? Or maybe it wasn't? 

As I was going through the bill that was presented, I was dumbfounded with all these miscellaneous charges. Coffee was $75.00 for 5 pots of it in a Mr. Coffee Maker. The Memorial Guest book was being offered to me for the bargain price of $100.00. There was chair rental for the graveside services and the flower truck, the service attendants, and need I go on. Then we get to the more expensive items which is the casket. The bottom line, the funeral was going to run mother and I a total of $8,000.00. Money we didn't have. 

What were we going to do?

I told that director he was full of it.  (I did not quote myself because what I did say wasn't what a lady should have said. And, above all, most of the time, I consider myself a southern lady) 

This is what we did:
We supplied the coffee and the coffee pot. 
Hired two men with a truck for $25.00 to take care of transporting and setting up the flowers.
I purchased my own guest book at K-Mart for $19.99.
I chose the standard coffin for $2,000.00-- 

Then there was special requests. 

I came up with the only request I knew: "Lay him face down, butt naked, so he can tell the world to kiss his ass!"  Meanwhile after that remark, I had a bruise on my shin for a week where Mother decided to kick me under the table. 

The total cost, with tax came to $2,800.00. 

The day of the funeral came around. There were about 275 people that showed up. I didn't do a head count until about a year or so later.  There were many relatives, a delegation from the Republican Party for the state of Alabama, members of the KKK, representatives from my father's Masonic Lodge, retired & convicted political figures- from Alabama and Mississippi, representatives from the Shriners in Houston, Texas, representatives from the Mobile Chapter of the NAACP, the 1993 current Chancellor from Carver Technical School in Mobile, Alabama, Doctors, Lawyers, Nurses, Southern Baptist, Methodist, Catholics, Apostolics, in-laws, out-laws, drunks, and idiots not to mention several of my Daddy's girl-friends including his latest. (There was a lot of gossip and side line betting going on. Was Marilyn going to tear them a new one or not? Talking about his girlfriends.) 

Mother was a true lady in every sense. She consoled everyone, very gently and lovingly. 

She didn't ride with her children to the grave side. My maternal youngest Uncle decided to take her in his classic brand new Cadillac gold edition. Of course she was the center of attention-- the grieving widow. Always remember a a woman is the center of attention during her wedding, child birth, at her husband's funeral or during the divorce proceeding (unless she is a total scumbag- which Mother was not.)

My Mother's younger sister offered to help and I assigned her the task of getting together the pallbearers. 

The service was very nice. The Minister of my Daddy's church came from Alabama to Mississippi and really offered a heartfelt service. 

There was a call for pallbearers. No one showed up. I just looked at everyone and said: 
"Oh well. I guess I just forgot. I turned to the director and asked if he had a gurney? Knowing that Daddy's grave was on a slight slope, we could just point and push. Taking bets to see if the casket makes it on the first try? $20.00 for the first volunteer to push him in the hole." 

If looks could have killed, I would be dead. Mother and her sisters that attended including my maternal Grandmother, gave me some really nasty looks. The maternal death ray; you know that aching stare where one melts. Talk about panties being twisted. Don't know why they couldn't take a joke. 

The pallbearers volunteered and all was said and done. 

Now it was the dinner at the house. It is where everyone gathers together and eats. They also gossip and check out things to come.This is where everyone asks for something.  Daddy's side of the family chose not to come. I had to put up with Mother's side. As usual, there were no left-overs. I had to send out for a 2-buckets of 20 piece chicken. And, no one left with anything other than a full stomach and a head full of gossip. 

Did someone mention party? Oh it is a funeral or at least I thought it was.