Proper Etiquette -- A short story

I realized that I have been using a word for years in error. I am so ashamed. The word is flatus. Commonly known as the "fart." That really upsets me. I had thought for years flatulent was the same as flagellate. For this I will never forgive myself, being a true artisan in the art of farting and blaming it on the dog, the person standing next to me, or a child close by.  

Let's clear the air. Is there proper etiquette for passing gassing gas? I don't think so. Well maybe to each his own. A rose is a rose if by any other name, however a fart is something we run screaming through the isle of a movie theater, out the door to escape a self strangulation chain of events. 

Flagellate is to whip or flog. Well maybe, in another life I was in to that? No one likes to get whipped but, there are exceptions, according to some well noted unnamed movies where they are flogging for sexual gratification. Maybe that explains my competitive nature? Now according to the dictionary, flatulent is being afflicted. It doesn't say with what? Pompous or bloating causes flatulence otherwise known as FART.  

F = Fast

A = Action

R = Response

T = Team

When someone farts, how fast are the reactions of people around them? Take the time to look at the faces of other people when you or someone else farts around them. If it is a baby or toddler, it is then funny. If it is a fully grown adult, it is not funny. If it is a teenager, they dare not say anything because it could be an expulsion from school in conjunction with the expulsion that was breaking in the wind.

 Another acronym to FART might be Fire And Response Team. 

All my relatives knew this especially when Grandma and Grandpa were alive, on Saturday at 930am for him and 10:25am for her. Let's examine the time frames of their natural gas expulsion. At 9:30am, Grandpa would grab the aerosol spray and head for the bathroom. He'd spray of course -- he was doing more moving than just the omission of that severely caustic aroma. We knew there was an issue when Grandpa turned off the pilot light to the heater. It was a ceramic heater and the coils were warmed by the pilot light-- an open flame. There was a major methane gas leak coming from the direction of the bathroom until about 10:45am. I image he felt if he didn't open the window and blow the flame out, there would have most definitely been a major explosion.  

This was many years before the 911 emergency systems were in place.  It was still the rotary dial era. The fire and rescue should have been called to supply gas masks! Never, ever, ever would anyone go into the bathroom after that; one could have passed out from asphyxiation and died, while waiting on fire and rescue to bring you a tank of oxygen. Interesting correlation. 

What is proper etiquette to passing gas? To each his own. 

We can learn the proper terminology or phrases from here on out. Words that can be used besides FART are break wind, pass gas, smell the vapors, etc. 

Phrases can be used like: 

Did a pigeon fly through the window and die? 

I think these after dinner mints have really gone bad.

I heard on Headline News the other day, there had been an attack of some serious bean bombers.

My, oh my! I must have been invaded by barking spiders.

Your scent is most interesting. However, I think maybe it has gone bad. 

You must be near a blinking brown-eyed log ready to submerge? 
That passed quickly, must have been one of those runners. 
I heard and smelled a frog,

or you can say... 

Pardon while I fart !

What can I say? I am from a family who eats big white lima's, with white rice, cornbread with a dollop of ketchup. 

Well anyway... have a great day... Go with God.