Vicious Cycle 101- Short Story

What is vicious cycle 101?

It is what you wish for what you had. You did not jump from that cast iron skillet into the fire. You just jumped into another skillet that could be operated off of electric or gas or maybe even charcoal. 

You never remember the pain, only the love.

...in first grade, you dream of being in your parent's arms being loved and feeling that content warmth of compassion.

...in the six grade, you dream of wanting to be back in the fifth grade or being in high school because everything seems so strange and awkward. Everything is changing including your body.  

...in the ninth grade, you are totally lost and wanting to fit in somewhere. There is too much drama in high school. Trying to fit in? You are either too young, not old enough, or simply not "cool."

...in the twelfth grade, you wish and wish what will I be when I grow up. You are scared to death of starting over or you wish you were 21 to really get started on living and find out what it is all about. You are leaving your best buds because, they are all being scattered to the wind in all different directions. 

...in the first year of college, you feel terribly stressed and really miss your mom and dad there to guide you. But, you are investigation a different life, testing the cold water in the large sea where little tiny fish are are brushing up against your legs. It is so hard to keep balance. You repeatedly question, "Why am I even taking this class?"

...in the last year of college, you don't want to leave because you are scared at starting all over again. But, the time drags and drags on. Then realization set in. It will be over soon and then what next. DId you make the right decision;  will you be able to find employment with your degree path?

...in the first year of working, you learn what it means to do without, be broke, and worried about how you will pay rent and buy food. You would give you "eye teeth" just to attend one more class or see another ball game, or even sit up all night cramming for a test. Instead you turn in early because you have a busy day tomorrow of taking the car to the shop at 6:30am and then catching the bus to work, only to walk 6 blocks to the office in hopes it does rain cats and dogs on your head enroute. 

... It is when you are in the aisle at church saying "I do," and wondering if it will last. You then have a responsibility of someone else's happiness. Will you get bored, will this be it, what do you do? Then you realize what a sight! 

...it never occurred to you, while holding that baby in your arms, that you have never seen anything so beautiful in your life; you question yourself, "What do I do with it from here?" You count every toe, finger, memorize every indention in the little nose. You look at the eye lashes while gently holding that precious thing and you laugh even when it takes it first pooh or tinkle or has gas. 

...your bill stack equals five years of paychecks and you are literally wondering how you are going to make it and send your children to college. What about new shoes, pants, tops, computers, automobiles, medical, and all the joys that come with being a parent. The food bill, they are eating you out of house and home. Vet bills!  The family pets eat almost as much as the children. 

...you buried someone you love; their death has emotionally hurt every ounce of your being. You smile and see all these familiar faces but you just don't remember who they are and why they are here now. You are simply numb. You are walking through the motions of life. 

...your child closes the door, exchanges the world of love between you two, and they say "I will call you when I get settled in."  Stiff upper lip after all you don't want to see them going out that door and you don't want them to see you break down mentally. The next child spreads their wings and so forth.  

It is when the house is at its quietest and you are alone. You may be with your spouse or not, but you are alone. You did this once? You were alone but, you don't remember. 

It is what it is. 

It is life.

The vicious cycle 101 is when this is just the tip of the iceberg in life recycling itself. It all happens but you just don't remember the pain. You remember the love.