Say Yes To the dress - Binge Watching. -- A Short Story.

I have been binge watching Say yes to the dress on Hulu. I love the show, have watched it from day one, and will continue to watch it.  There have been some really wonderful, tear-jerking moments.

I have one question. (Just one, 1-along with many others.) Did you brides know that THEY ARE LYING TO YOU? YOU DON’T LOOK THAT GREAT IN THAT DRESS. 

Wearing a form fitted gown that makes the body look like an “S” sideways is painful to look at. It reminds me of a person with a severe case of scoliosis (abnormal curvature of the spine).

You know what causes scoliosis? When the doctor yanked that puppy out of a woman’s “be gaga” so fast and then tossed that screaming monkey to a nurse to get cleaned up. This was a cure all disease from the 60s and 70s. Everyone had this disease until they realized it. I have had this diagnosis along with about 40 others. Big deal.

Women are supposed to be hour glass not S shaped from the side. A woman honestly hour glass? From which direction are you looking? I have a natural hour glass from the front view, but from the side – that is a double trip wide load with special permits. (Special Permits mean no one has touched it in years….do not approach under penalty of death. It may be crusty, old, and decayed.) 

I see that everyone still like the trend of the sweet heart neckline without straps. How sweet. It is because so sweet of everyone not to tell you that you have four boobs. (2-in front and 2- in back). Women, when most of you wear a strapless dress, people are going to be polite and not tell you that you are in need of medical attention to remove those huge tumors growing from the back of your underarm that have spread toward your shoulder blades. They may mention those extra-long underarm hairs that you missed shaving for the past fifteen years or so.  I thought braiding of the underarm hairs, especially three hairs, was a fashion forward statement. Who am I to judge?

Of course, we all should consider that it is all about the bride. How lovely are those brides? Well, some of them are seriously needing help in that department.  Ladies, ladies, ladies! I am homely. I have a crooked smile, missing half my lower bridge dental work, and very seldom smile because my upper dentures are ill fitting. When I smile, or laugh, or even sometimes eat, if I don’t have them cemented in they just fly out of my mouth. Hitting the grandchildren in the head with the upper plate isn’t very grandmotherly. Funny but embarrassing.

Well I have witness some actual female horses getting fitted for the bridal outfits and spending an obscene amount of money on those dresses. That money should have been used at the dentist office, maybe a little rhinoplasty or orthognathic work might really be beneficial. $10,000 on a dress when you need a facial reconstruction job is not really isn’t smart business wise. 

Dear bride, I know you are getting up there in age and that the biological clock is ticking, but do not be that desperate as to settle for the first strong “sperm” count that shows up. Use me as an example, tick tock tick tock, I grabbed the first strong sperm count. Big mistake because never had I ever had a successful relationship with any partner. I do have two wonderful children that I would gladly make the same mistake for over again. 

Then there are brides with much older grooms. First of all, ladies I can guarantee this isn’t that man’s first rodeo, as Cameron Diaz often refers to relationships. I listened to one bride admit to the world what she wanted and she went for it. You know there are not a lot of men with that type of money, running a major company, in the middle-aged years single. Was he married when “YOU BRIDE – HOUNDED HIM TO GO OUT WITH YOU FOR DRINKS WHILE YOU WERE AN INTERN IN HIS COMPANY?”  That is exactly what you said on national television. “He was paying …” was how you put it. Would you have looked twice at him if he was broke? Destitute?

Daddy always told me and I also heard this same monologue from other men as well; “A hard penis has no conscience.” Or “When a man’s brain is surgically dissected, one thing for sure will be found, 40K little pieces of cat fluff with be flying around.” Well I rest my case – Jim Carter who lusted in his heart only. (Daddy was very old schooled, they didn't discuss homosexuality in a man's world. Furthermore, my grandmother didn't know what a lesbian was until the year 2001. She died in 2002. Could the cause of death been knowledge?) 

Well if a man needs Viagra that bad, then he really must like to “stick it” somewhere or two someone. Need a warning on those things, sticking it one time to many isn’t healthy. One day it might just break or end up being a “Barry Jordon from Jones Co., Mississippi”. He was married three or four times, namely one wife being Julia Ann Fountain. His last wife was young and had four children to along with the twenty-something children he already had. He was wealthy, had a lot of land, and needed a lot of free labor to work that land. He outlasted all of his wives.  He died while seeking another wife? He must have been testing one out for the road? 

Has anyone ever heard of the psychological seven-year itch? That doesn’t mean it is open season who women looking for men with money.

I will say this much. My hat is off to the NY Attorney who plays punk rocker in a band after hours. That is an intelligent woman. She has good and steady employment; then, does what she loves which probably doesn’t pay well. She was a beautiful bride. The dress matched her personality and skin tone. She made a breathing taking bride. 

Did it ever once occur to women that you are picking dresses to match your internal personality? You are picking dresses that are ugly on your because why? There is ugliness in you and it is showing. I have seen some beautiful women look fabulous in everything they style. Some of those women are fat and some thin, some are tall and some short. A truly purely soulful beautiful woman can wear anything and be beautiful.

 

Bottom line, I like the show, Say yes to the dress, and will continue to watch it. But, do not think you look good in anything. You may feel like a bride and look like a bride but that dress isn’t you. But then again what do I know. I could care less what others think of my clothes, because I am confident enough to wear what I want to and don’t care. I would listen to Randy though. He knows what he is selling. 

May God bless you all and keep you safely in his arms.