Dietary Dirty Laundry --Quarters needed

So, this is a no political conversation weekend beginning Friday (January 19^th, 2018) until Monday (January 22^nd, 2018). Okay, so no politics. Abstination is sometimes best.

I want to have a fundraiser for prevention and assistance. In 2013, the last time we had a government "shit-down"[1] there was a severe shortage of clean towels in the congressional workout room and shower area. 

This was an inconvenience because so many of the senators and congressman had to wash their own soiled towels. I can just imagine after sitting for few days the smell of soiled piles of laundry must really be a ranked-smell of pointing opposable thumb crap due to many dirty uranus cracks. 

After all, we really wouldn’t want any finger pointing over whose turn it is to actually wash the laundry now. Would we? We also do not want anyone being overly zealous in thinking that the females of congress might do the laundry because there are females and have vaginas that can be grabbed because they're sometimes hairy but gravitational for the smell of tic-tacs. [2]

I would like to raise money for this cause. I will need a lot of quarters and at least one deplorable alien from another world with a really big pie hole.

We in the United States of America really want our congress-people to smell their very best better than any socially, economically challenged child with no bag of CHIP coverage in their pantry close to a pile of unwashed towels. We all honestly understand how hard it is to get those foreign smelling stains out of our laundry that is pristine; just like Colonel Sanders, original recipe or extra crispy.   

Please bless us all and remember our national motto:

Money in our pocket mean success! When you arrive on our beautiful shores, make sure you leave your garbage at home because we have plenty of our own. [3]   

---

[1] Absurdity, Absolute. “Words Microsoft Dictionary refuses to correct when being Facetious”. Yourguessisasgoodas mine.gov. (accessed 1.19.2018)  www.usa.gov (USC, Title XXX Chapter 9,227 Article 400 Page 1,735,001)

[2] Absurdity, Absolute. “Words Microsoft Dictionary refuses to correct when being Facetious”. Yourguessisasgoodas mine.gov. (USC, Title MXXX, Chapter 1,825 Article 69691, Page 1,942,002)

[3] Boona, Juna Buttmunch. “National Pledge of Dreamer.” Confusciousdidntsaythis.org. (accessed 1.20.2018) www.dreamonunvlibrary.edu (Chapter 1, page 27b)